Since i haven’t ever written a blog or a post before I would like to introduce myself and tell you a little about where I am coming from as I write.
First off, my name is Brianna Varner. I got married in July, my husband Tom is amazing and I cannot imagine my life without him. I know, I know, every newly married couple says that about their new spouse and life is great and they couldn’t be happier, blah, blah, blah.
But Thomas saved my life. He brought me back to God and they both saved my life.
But first things first. In November of last year I had a relationship that ended badly. I was hurt and broken and not exactly on speaking terms with my family, but I didn’t know if I had anywhere else to go or turn. I ended things and hoped my parents would take me back. I showed up, parked in their driveway on a Sunday morning knowing that they were at church and should be coming home sometime soon. I waited and waited. I was getting ready to start my car and drive away and they came around the corner, obviously seeing someone parked in their driveway. All I could think was, “Dang it. I missed my chance for a clean and quiet get away.”
I sat in the car until my mom got out and knocked on my window. I couldn’t even look up at her. She opened the door and after that I am not really sure how what happened happened, but I lost it. I started bawling, kind of fell out of the car and into my mom’s arms. Immediately, she wrapped me in one of her perfect hugs and I was weeping all the more. After dad parked the car, he came and wrapped me up from the other side, none of them knew my story up to this point and the words uttered from there were, “come inside, we are here. We are going to take care of you.”
The perfect prodigal child story. I felt like a cliche and there was nothing I could do about.
I moved home and struggled back and forth with if I had done the right thing or not. I had, but sometimes convincing yourself of that when you hurt so badly is hard sometimes, but I did know in my heart that I had done the best thing I could have done for myself by leaving.
Slowly, I became a little happier and got into the groove of living with my parents again. Also slowly, I began to pray more and more. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship, I just didn’t want to be alone. After being in a relationship for more than a year, its hard to be single again. You long for a best friend that you know you can tell anything to.
Then God, in a very quiet, small voice said, “try eHarmony.” I thought, that is ridiculous. I just ended a relationship, I am not spending money and hoping to “find my ‘soulmate'”. So I tried quite a few, i’m embarrassed to say how many, free dating apps, not the ‘hook up’ ones, just the ones that I thought were going to get me some decent matches and none of them, I repeat, none of them turned up anything. Seriously?
Then I heard it again, “Bri, try eHarmony.” More of a command this time than just an idea.
“Ok, ok, I will call them. Jeez.”
So, Tom and I met. Online. On eHarmony. I thought he was cute, his profile picture showed him leaning against a 1 ton Dodge pickup with a smile just playing at his lips. I was intrigued and his smile, even though it wasn’t a full blown smile, drew me in and I knew that I had to talk to him. Even though he drives a dodge.
We chatted through the app, answered more (deeper) questions about each other and finally got to actually chat through their email. We hit it off, we exchanged cell phone numbers and a few days later had a date to call each other. Who does that these days?? Then we ended up talking for 4 hours. And at the end of the call, he asked if he could call my dad and ask his permission to date me? Again, who does that these days? I thought this guy must be perfect. So the next day, he called my dad and we were officially dating, even though we hadn’t actually met.
We met on January 19th. Martin Luther King, Jr. day. I didn’t have class that day so he drove 4 and 1/2 hours from Chanute, Kansas to meet me. We spent the day together. It went well. Kind of awkward, lots of nerves, typical first date, except let’s throw in meeting the girl’s parents. So all things considered, it went well.
He went home and now I was in a relationship where I couldn’t even see the man I was dating when I wanted to. It was hard and we weren’t even that close yet. A couple weeks later, I went down to him and met his family. I enjoyed the time there, I thought that that date went even better. I stayed the weekend with his family, we went to a rodeo in Wichita and had a blast. I was definitely thinking that this was a good idea. We were intentional about talking on the phone in the evenings and texting back and forth when we could during the day.
After a while though, I would put up a wall that would separate us because I didn’t want to get too attached to someone 300 miles away from me and I didn’t want to get hurt again. And I realized after a long time, that I was either going to have to let him in all the way or completely let him go. I felt like I was damaged goods. He told me that I wasn’t and that meant more to me than anything at the time. I just didn’t know if I could let myself into something so vulnerable again. Eventually I let him in on what I was feeling. He thought I was breaking up with him and told me he would be there when or if I wanted to talk again.
My insides clenched up and I felt sick and I knew in that moment, that I could not let this man go. He could NOT walk out of my life. I needed to get it together. NOW.
I told him that I wasn’t breaking up with him and that I was going to try and be all in. And everything changed. I needed him. He was 300 miles away and I wanted to be with him all the time, and the amount of times he came to see me for just one day and the money he spent in gas was ridiculous I am sure. But our relationship was so much better. Now we needed each other.
And less than 6 months into dating, we got married. July 2, 2016. It was a very small wedding, just our immediate families. And it has been the best 2 and half months of my life so far!
So that’s me. I hope to write about lots of different things and I hope you enjoy reading it, and even if you don’t it feels good to write it.
Happy days. God bless.