Being Content With Not Being Content

Sometimes life is really hard. Most of the time it’s great; but sometimes it sucks and it’s difficult and it seems like no matter what  you do, you just can’t get out of the rut you’re stuck in.

Recently I got hired at a new place. I thought it would be good, not great, but something I could do until we moved or decided what our next step would be, but here I am, 2 months in and holy cow, I really really hate it. Which sounds terrible, I know. I don’t hate the company and I definitely don’t hate the people. I just hate the job itself.

I have been praying about new opportunities or a different direction to go in or some kind of peace or contentment about where I am if I am not supposed to move on. And you know what I have gotten? Nothing. Well maybe not nothing, I have gotten a LOT of closed doors. Slammed doors in my face more like.

First, I thought that we were going to move to Kansas, closer to Tom’s family and help work their farm and ranch, and that is definitely not going to pan out. Then maybe going back to coaching, but then yet another closed door. Then maybe a few other things that have also fallen through… what the heck? And in the meantime I have been asking for a direct path from God. If none of these things are working out then you must have a plan for me, right? Why can’t you just tell me what it is?

I don’t do well with not knowing things. Like, I really hate not being able to have a plan or being in the dark about anything. I am a control freak and am extremely opinionated and stubborn. Being in the dark is so frustrating, especially if it is in regards to something as important as what I am going to do for a career, or at least a job until I figure out what I need to do to start a career.

So having God leave me in the dark about where I am at right now is completely stressful. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to stay in a job that I really don’t like? Especially when it’s so hard to portray his character and love while I am in a terrible mood about being at work. Am I supposed to move on and hope He provides something new while I am waiting for my 2 weeks to be up? I really don’t know what to do.

So, I think I am supposed to be content with not being content and just wait until He provides a new opportunity for me. Whether I like it or not. His plan is so much greater than I can even imagine, but I am impatient and uncomfortable and stressed out and I want the change to come NOW! And that is just not how it works. His timing is perfect. His plan is perfect. And I have to be content. Even though I really don’t want to be. I feel like He is asking something impossible of me, but I have to do it.

For now, be content while not being content.



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