Daily Prompt: Generous

via Daily Prompt: Generous

Normally when you hear about someone being generous, it is some rich person who donated a HUGE amount of money, that us “normal” people really can’t understand, to a charity of their choice. Everyone talks about it for a while and then we forget until they or someone else does it again.

Generosity to me is a little more personal than that. When I think of being generous, I think of my parents.

I have seen my mom give her whole self to us, her kids. She was a single parent for a while before my dad came into the picture. She worked hard so that we could have our own house, nice clothes to wear, good food to eat. She also, I have no idea how, but made enough money to allow me to participate in sports. I was gymnast since I was 2. I fell in and out of love with the sport and didn’t realize what all she had given and provided me until I got much older. And with that being said, I am SURE that I haven’t shown or given her near the gratitude she deserves for being so selfless, FOR ME. That is generosity.

My dad would give the shirt off of his back for someone in need. He would give the last $5 dollars out of his wallet, giving up his morning breakfast at McDonald’s so that someone else could eat lunch. My dad also has given selflessly to his children. He has bailed us out of so many things, that I am sure all of us have lost count of the things he has come to rescue us from. He took off from work one day when I was a freshman in college, who was so stubborn that I wanted to take my first long drive, by myself to Norfolk, in a car as old as I was, and ended up having a belt break as I came to the main light there and got stuck. It’s a 3 hour drive. He came all the way to Norfolk for me and towed my beat up car home and then paid for repairs so I would have a car to drive still.

Generosity is in the little things that people do daily that they don’t have to do but they do do so that other people’s day can be better than they would have been without that act.

Be generous. Give people your time. Make someone smile or feel good. Be nice.

Show God’s love daily.

 

Being Content With Not Being Content

Sometimes life is really hard. Most of the time it’s great; but sometimes it sucks and it’s difficult and it seems like no matter what  you do, you just can’t get out of the rut you’re stuck in.

Recently I got hired at a new place. I thought it would be good, not great, but something I could do until we moved or decided what our next step would be, but here I am, 2 months in and holy cow, I really really hate it. Which sounds terrible, I know. I don’t hate the company and I definitely don’t hate the people. I just hate the job itself.

I have been praying about new opportunities or a different direction to go in or some kind of peace or contentment about where I am if I am not supposed to move on. And you know what I have gotten? Nothing. Well maybe not nothing, I have gotten a LOT of closed doors. Slammed doors in my face more like.

First, I thought that we were going to move to Kansas, closer to Tom’s family and help work their farm and ranch, and that is definitely not going to pan out. Then maybe going back to coaching, but then yet another closed door. Then maybe a few other things that have also fallen through… what the heck? And in the meantime I have been asking for a direct path from God. If none of these things are working out then you must have a plan for me, right? Why can’t you just tell me what it is?

I don’t do well with not knowing things. Like, I really hate not being able to have a plan or being in the dark about anything. I am a control freak and am extremely opinionated and stubborn. Being in the dark is so frustrating, especially if it is in regards to something as important as what I am going to do for a career, or at least a job until I figure out what I need to do to start a career.

So having God leave me in the dark about where I am at right now is completely stressful. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to stay in a job that I really don’t like? Especially when it’s so hard to portray his character and love while I am in a terrible mood about being at work. Am I supposed to move on and hope He provides something new while I am waiting for my 2 weeks to be up? I really don’t know what to do.

So, I think I am supposed to be content with not being content and just wait until He provides a new opportunity for me. Whether I like it or not. His plan is so much greater than I can even imagine, but I am impatient and uncomfortable and stressed out and I want the change to come NOW! And that is just not how it works. His timing is perfect. His plan is perfect. And I have to be content. Even though I really don’t want to be. I feel like He is asking something impossible of me, but I have to do it.

For now, be content while not being content.

 

Intro

Since i haven’t ever written a blog or a post before I would like to introduce myself and tell you a little about where I am coming from as I write.

First off, my name is Brianna Varner. I got married in July, my husband Tom is amazing and I cannot imagine my life without him. I know, I know, every newly married couple says that about their new spouse and life is great and they couldn’t be happier, blah, blah, blah.

But Thomas saved my life. He brought me back to God and they both saved my life.

But first things first. In November of last year I had a relationship that ended badly. I was hurt and broken and not exactly on speaking terms with my family, but I didn’t know if I had anywhere else to go or turn. I ended things and hoped my parents would take me back. I showed up, parked in their driveway on a Sunday morning knowing that they were at church and should be coming home sometime soon. I waited and waited. I was getting ready to start my car and drive away and they came around the corner, obviously seeing someone parked in their driveway. All I could think was, “Dang it. I missed my chance for a clean and quiet get away.”

I sat in the car until my mom got out and knocked on my window. I couldn’t even look up at her. She opened the door and after that I am not really sure how what happened happened, but I lost it. I started bawling, kind of fell out of the car and into my mom’s arms. Immediately, she wrapped me in one of her perfect hugs and I was weeping all the more. After dad parked the car, he came and wrapped me up from the other side, none of them knew my story up to this point and the words uttered from there were, “come inside, we are here. We are going to take care of you.”

The perfect prodigal child story. I felt like a cliche and there was nothing I could do about.

I moved home and struggled back and forth with if I had done the right thing or not. I had, but sometimes convincing yourself of that when you hurt so badly is hard sometimes, but I did know in my heart that I had done the best thing I could have done for myself by leaving.

Slowly, I became a little happier and got into the groove of living with my parents again. Also slowly, I began to pray more and more. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship, I just didn’t want to be alone. After being in a relationship for more than a year, its hard to be single again. You long for a best friend that you know you can tell anything to.

Then God, in a very quiet, small voice said, “try eHarmony.” I thought, that is ridiculous. I just ended a relationship, I am not spending money and hoping to “find my ‘soulmate'”. So I tried quite a few, i’m embarrassed to say how many, free dating apps, not the ‘hook up’ ones, just the ones that I thought were going to get me some decent matches and none of them, I repeat, none of them turned up anything. Seriously?

Then I heard it again, “Bri, try eHarmony.” More of a command this time than just an idea.

“Ok, ok, I will call them. Jeez.”

So, Tom and I met. Online. On eHarmony. I thought he was cute, his profile picture showed him leaning against a 1 ton Dodge pickup with a smile just playing at his lips. I was intrigued and his smile, even though it wasn’t a full blown smile, drew me in and I knew that I had to talk to him. Even though he drives a dodge.

We chatted through the app, answered more (deeper) questions about each other and finally got to actually chat through their email. We hit it off, we exchanged cell phone numbers and a few days later had a date to call each other. Who does that these days?? Then we ended up talking for 4 hours. And at the end of the call, he asked if he could call my dad and ask his permission to date me? Again, who does that these days? I thought this guy must be perfect. So the next day, he called my dad and we were officially dating, even though we hadn’t actually met.

We met on January 19th. Martin Luther King, Jr. day. I didn’t have class that day so he drove 4 and 1/2 hours from Chanute, Kansas to meet me. We spent the day together. It went well. Kind of awkward, lots of nerves, typical first date, except let’s throw in meeting the girl’s parents. So all things considered, it went well.

He went home and now I was in a relationship where I couldn’t even see the man I was dating when I wanted to. It was hard and we weren’t even that close yet. A couple weeks later, I went down to him and met his family. I enjoyed the time there, I thought that that date went even better. I stayed the weekend with his family, we went to a rodeo in Wichita and had a blast. I was definitely thinking that this was a good idea. We were intentional about talking on the phone in the evenings and texting back and forth when we could during the day.

After a while though, I would put up a wall that would separate us because I didn’t want to get too attached to someone 300 miles away from me and I didn’t want to get hurt again. And I realized after a long time, that I was either going to have to let him in all the way or completely let him go. I felt like I was damaged goods. He told me that I wasn’t and that meant more to me than anything at the time. I just didn’t know if I could let myself into something so vulnerable again. Eventually I let him in on what I was feeling. He thought I was breaking up with him and told me he would be there when or if I wanted to talk again.

My insides clenched up and I felt sick and I knew in that moment, that I could not let this man go. He could NOT walk out of my life. I needed to get it together. NOW.

I told him that I wasn’t breaking up with him and that I was going to try and be all in. And everything changed. I needed him. He was 300 miles away and I wanted to be with him all the time, and the amount of times he came to see me for just one day and the money he spent in gas was ridiculous I am sure. But our relationship was so much better. Now we needed each other.

And less than 6 months into dating, we got married. July 2, 2016. It was a very small wedding, just our immediate families. And it has been the best 2 and half months of my life so far!

So that’s me. I hope to write about lots of different things and I hope you enjoy reading it, and even if you don’t it feels good to write it.

Happy days. God bless.